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I'm 38 years old, from Michigan, USA.
When my heart was broken, those words I left unspoken. While life goes on around me, the pain inside surounds me. I think if death should take me, the pain is sure to forsake me. I am so mad, I feel so sad,why did I stay? I did not go, swim that river in the snow. Naked I should be to set my soul free.
Im sitting here looking out my window, just woundering how to tell you these things. Worse then that I dont know how to make the best of this mess i made. If anyone has an idea that may be of help to me, please let me know.
Awhile ago I had been told of something I had told God I would do something for Him. It was planded befor, I came to be in my mothers womb. Many have told me it was not God, "He would never ask this from you," they would say. why would it all be written in the Holy Bible then? Can satan interfere with the inspired word of God? Can the devil go somplace Holy? I realise I am not worthy of any love, when you here my story, maybe its just understanding I seek by comming here. you see i belong to no organised religion or church, I only belong to God to do with as He wills. I have visited many different church's in my search but I can only find Him, walking the way he planed
Frist memory of Jesus comming to me, I was around 8 I think. I remember Him being there speeking to me but it was like we spoke through our heart, my answers came the same way. He wore a white robe, the whitest I had ever seen. When He held out his hands, the holes were still there.Then he askedme if I wanted to touch them to see if He was for real. He told me of a linnin belt that He hid there.
Years later I had felt compelled to pick up the Holy Bible and read it. I went to the place ware I read the most, opened it up some ware in the middle of the book and started to read this page. Some of the most beatiful words were written on that page. He was speeking of things like He was speeking just to me. The weardest thing I had ever seen when He wrote on that page ware I was at right then reading. It was not a word they used back then and it startled me. Just then I had realised I hadent even turned or moved from the same spot on that page. Thats when I was able to see the words changing in frount of my eyes. Embarrasment is what I felt when I realised He was there with me. not even thinking I slamed the Bible shut hopeing then He couldent see me sitting there with my pants down. I'm afraid I wasent thinking He would see me anyway. Later I went back to find the page and I couldent. So I read it from cover to cover, insteed looking for that letter for me. It wasent there but everything in the letter was somplace else throughout that Book instead. Only the exception of the personal things He said.
He had told me things I was to do, and places I would have to go. How to walk the land just so. I was also told of names I would be given if I made it. You see there was a problem I dident belive God would want someone like me, to give to His son for a wife. He told me I am a decendent of all 12 tribes in Gods plan. Their are 700 more I am told, decendents like me. I am less then nothing myself. dont you see in my eyes I could not see, that Jesus could even want someone like me?
Later I decided to go as He asked me so I talked with my husband, and asked a good friend to stay with my children, while I walked the land. I thought it was understood why I needed to go mark the land for Jesus's mountin the one called Zion. If I was to do this the way He had said, I would be so much better off instead. I would be called by other names virgin doughter of Iseral, virgin doughter of Zion, Sheila, I think and another name I can not remember to save my soul. I think it may of started with an H or a B.
Anyway I left one day and walked away. Left Tim a letter and a friend here to stay while I was away. I dident go the way He told me too, I wore a coat or two extra sweats and and boots too. Grabed up extra ciggeretts my lighter to boot, a few slim jims and crackers too.took off planing on making my way across the land. December, or January I think it was and the frist thing I did was get wet. almost turned back but decided to go on. I had walked all night and into the morning. finely gave up to my aching cold body and cought a ride to a friends house nere there with a woodstove inside. dryed out and ate a bowl of oatmeal slept for an hour or two. drank a couple cups of coffee got clothes and left. her doughter was playing nintendo so I guess she dident see the news at noon or six, that day to see they were looking for me that way. I think they thought Tim killed me or something like that. Searched my house and the house of my friends, and neighbors, looking for me. Now they calld the news crews and hellicopters instead. It was by this time its getting to be night again, walking across this field I guess these kids yelled at me to leave that land so I did then they got scared and called the cops. It wasent much longer before they found me, when I had stoped to rest. Called the Hospital and had me comitted for walking the land. When I got out I began again. Just hoping I could finish this mountin, that was part of Gods plan.
Now I have to walk at night because my neighbors worry about me. Tim comes home and soon I leave, trying to save my children and my soul for Jesus and God. I would walk all night and if no one saw me I wouldent have to worry about the cops, taking me to the Hospital again. As long as I could call befor Tim went to work, he would pick me up and bring me back. I was running out of time I had thought so I tryed to finish His mountin. no matter how many times I tryed I still failed.
The need is great you see, for me to be able to show you a pice of me. I'm trying to show you what I have seen. only with love, compassion, understanding, aceptance, kindness, and careing for all. No matter what their belife, race or color may be.
For those that belive a cousler is what I need. I have already waisted to much time and money talking to a man. Took all the drugs he prescribed. No amount of mans drugs can take away God. Not like I wanted God to go, Jesus ether for that matter. At this point I needed to prove to myself and the ones I love i'm not nuts. No marter what when you see the truth in your heart, nothing will take away that TRUTH.
After I marked the land, to swim the river was the plan. when I finley made myself go swim that river in the snow. I set next to it for the longest time, thinking how angry I was for having to be right next to the expressway. Wishing that maybe He would let me keep on my clothes. In that moment the clouds apeared to look like me naked, that way. I knew I must go or my soul would pay. Finely got up the nerve to take off my clothes. Then jumped in the river as I had been told. Ohhhhhhhh its so cold. Remembered so well like it just happened yesterday. Water rushing around me draging me down streem. Right at the spot ware all cars could see. It felt like a hand picking me up out of the water for all to see. Only when I raised my hands to the sky asked for mercy I dident want to die. Then He put me in the river again. Down streem the river flowed and carried me as swiftly as it could go. All the way down that river I went, with skin scraping against rocks, and limbs. Untill I came to A fallen tree right close to another road for more to see. I was so cold my fingers were nummb. It hurt so bad to grab hold, but was able to pull myself out of that frozen river thinking it was wormer with a little sun. Some how I had to get worm that day. Hypotherima had set in and I'm thinking how crazy I had been. When I gave my life to him to do with as He willed then He wormed me so I could walk back for my clothes. I knew then He was my friend, He would help me to the end.
So many mistakes I have made, and now I may be out of time I'm afraide. I got back to my clothes that day with a minimum amount of people seeing me walk that way. I was so grateful, excited, and scared, of all the rest I would have to endure, that day. I knew my mom was comming down, so I stoped by my house to prove to her that I was ok. Walked barefoot through the snow. I just wanted to show her, He was with me that way. at 20 degrees it was like 93. The water, snow, and air was no longer to cold to bear. As soon as I got up my porch touched the door, it wasent worm any more. My legs gave out on me it was just like earlier that day, when I climbed out of the river that way. I tryed to open my door and could barley hold the handle, any more. my legs almost gaveway with the frostbite all the way up my thigh. My mother came to see what the ruckis was why the dogs were at the door? Needless to say in that state I was seen. So a trip to the hospital was in it for me. By the time I got to the hospital once more, the doctors could see nothing wrong with me. All they knew is what they were told. So they gave me a name at the end of mine, DELUSIONAL SKIAPHRENIC or something like that, so you may be worned If you beleave, of another, no one can see. Even if they belive in that one that you see. No one wants to belive I have seen heard and touched his only begotton son. Whats even funnier I dont know why He would of wanted someone like me?
Many more I swam but could nver get to the point of hypotherima again. Always gave up or got cought out their again only this time no clothes. I know in my heart He wants me to come. God only knows I want to be there too. but for some reason I cant do it aymore. God, "am I so selfish to give up on love?" What are a few cuts and scrapes, poisen ivy, misqueto bites, hypotherimia freezing cold, walking bere foot in the snow?
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I dont know why I could not see, what my father said to me.
As bad as I want to die, to stop these tears that I cry.
Tho, its in my heart to say, I will go back to the Lord someday.
I misssed Him so I cannot live with those gifts, He so freely give.
Maybe someday, I will know. Why in this wourld I could ot go?
With Jesus I could see so much better this world would be.
As I speek from my heart to find the lost I must start.
So long ago it should of been, so many more could of then.
Seen the way He intended us to live, in this world as a kid.
So many dreams I have seen. MY fathers dream was best for me.
So His son took a wife. Had a boy that made things right.
As empty as my heart can be. My soul still aches retlessly.
With Jesus I must be. Only through Him can I see.
In heaven lives my father, and there my soul should be.
With the one I count on, thats ware my heart can see.
His loving arms around me, He keeps me safe and worm,
untill the day, I was to be born.
Thats the day my life began, on this world as a man. As a woman I may walk, then all his children start to talk.
About the one who thought she could, do the things He thought she would.
What a lier she had been, to think she could help a friend.
What a joke she may be, only God could set her free.
But in her heart she could not go, swimm that river in the snow,
To walk the land and set you free, of the heart break caused by me.
An empty shell is what I am, God only kows what could of been.
A million pices my heart will be. Befor He set's my soul free.
Then when I exist no more. with hope the world will not suffer for.
Only then all could see, it was no lie, He spoke to me.
What He asked was not so much, and all I did was a touch.
Now i'm afraide I am loved no more, by God or His Son who I adore.
When my heart sinks back down, my soul has to look up to see the ground.
Its nice to know His spirit is here, thank God for uderstandig me.
Iknow in my heart, no matter what my out come is,
it will be right for all. God knows my heart mind ad soul, so what I get is what I eared.
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